You know that quote from To Kill a Mockingbird (yes, it’s one of my favorite books ever), “You can choose your friends, but not your family”? It’s true. Some of us tell ourselves this truth with wry acknowledgment—“Yeah, boy, I would not have chosen HER.” But some of us recognize we’ve been served a wonderful dose of grace. Because, if we could have chosen that family member, we definitely would have.
I’m blessed with grace in my sister-in-love Tonya. She’s one of the best friends anyone could have.
I want to tell you about her because her story is inspiring, uplifting, convicting, and humbling. And I’m just getting started.
There’s the surface Tonya—pretty, funny, athletic, energetic. And there’s the inner Tonya—mighty in faith, encouraging, honest, and insightful.
And she’s a survivor. Not just someone who’s made it—and is making it—through a hard time. Someone who is making it through a hard time and is thriving despite the battle. I’ll get to that in a minute.
First, you need some basic facts…
Who She Is
Tonya is a case manager for the Kentucky Court of Appeals. She loves her work so much she feels like it’s more of a hobby than a job. She said she always wanted to be a lawyer but let someone convince her not to pursue that dream when she was young and “impressionable.” She still pursued a career in the legal profession though, first as a court reporter, then as a litigation paralegal before becoming a case manager.
She has four kids and six grandchildren with whom she adores spending time. In fact, she recently returned from a fabulous vacation to Utah with three of her kids and one grandchild.
She loves to travel and considers trips to Alaska, Hawaii, Montana, Washington D.C., Cabo San Lucas, Spain, Germany, Czechoslovakia, Austria, and Switzerland to be her favorites.
Journey of Faith
Her greatest journey, though, has not been to Europe or Alaska. It’s been through a sea of questions and a desert of sorrow.
Tonya’s faith has brought her through some treacherous territory. Over the course of seven years, her children all left home, she went through menopause, she cared for ailing parents, experienced their deaths within two months of each other, and battled cancer alongside Mike, her husband of almost 30 years.
Because of this, Tonya’s latest passion is two-fold: reading the Bible through chronologically and writing her blog. The two go hand-in-hand because one informs the other.
The Greatest of These is Love
Let’s rewind for a minute. Tonya met her husband, Mike, mid-1988 in a church singing group (Did I mention how musically talented she is? You cannot believe how well she plays the piano! Her fingers fly across that keyboard.)
Anyway…Mike and Tonya married about a year later. The couple was a perfect match—their priorities were the same, they shared strong faith, and they were both outgoing, warm, and fun-loving.
But in June 2014 Mike was diagnosed with multiple myeloma, and their battle with cancer began. It didn’t end until October 31, 2018, when Mike passed from this life to his eternal home in Heaven. They were both 57.
With Mike’s passing, Tonya’s dreams for her future collapsed. She wouldn’t be growing old with the love of her life. She didn’t have anyone to help her make decisions anymore. She couldn’t share the good or the difficult with the man she thought she would live a long, long life with.
She was a widow.
Good Grief
But, let me tell you, Tonya hasn’t wasted one ounce of the wisdom she gained through her journey. She’s faced her grief with supernatural strength–the kind that only comes from one place, Jesus. She began transparently sharing her feelings and experience in a blog aptly titled Good Grief. There are lessons for everyone in her writing. You don’t have to have lost a spouse to understand or relate to much of what she shares.
She writes:
“It became painfully obvious that the storms had taken their toll. I was emotionally charged and spiritually hollow, and my long and deeply held beliefs were profoundly challenged.”
But she continues:
Most—okay, all—of the “Whys?” remain a mystery held closely by the God who declared, “For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are My ways higher than your ways . . .” (Isaiah 55:9 ESV). But even absent those answers, I am now more confident than ever that God is a good Father, that He heeded every prayer offered on Mike’s behalf, that He indeed has a Kingdom purpose in my suffering, and that His purpose for Mike on this earth was fulfilled. I am comforted to know Mike is in the very presence of the Sovereign God, and I believe he has heard the words he longed for, “Well done, my good and faithful servant!”
Over two years later, my sweet sis-in-love is still sad at times, but I can plainly see she never has lost her joy, her hope, or her love. Her life is a lesson in perseverance, in grace, and in trusting God.
And, I’m not finished telling her story. Look for some of Tonya’s favorites in a future post. (Spoiler Alert: You’ll want some of her recipes and you’ll share some of her favorite things!)
Don’t forget to subscribe to both of our blogs. She’s right here (click!) and you know where I am!
Marsha Sanders
Thank you so much for sharing these encouraging words and strength experienced by Tonya, through our Lord. There is light at the end of a dark tunnel. Tonya is true inspiration!
Tracey Buchanan
She is to me for sure!
Brenda McElroy
She’s amazing and so is her God!
Tracey Buchanan
Exactly right!
Tracey Buchanan
Amen!